A Cowards Broken Heart

"I'm afraid these birth control methods wont work, young lady. Did you know you're pregnant?" The nurse looked from Jenny's face to mine, "You didn't know," she stated. Obviously.

Jenny was looking at the nurse in shock, then, I couldn't believe it, she started to smile. I, however, felt as if the floor had fallen out from under me. I watched the smile on Jenny's face as she looked at me hopefully. At that point, though I could see their lips moving, I coudn't hear a damn thing either she or the nurse said because of the roaring in my ears. I felt like I was going to faint.

Jenny and I had been together for about six years. We met in high school. She had the face of an angel, the body of a supermodel, and a bright cheerful personality. She liked me because I made her laugh. We shared our dreams and hopes, became best friends, then sweethearts. We fell in love. After all this time she had become pregnant. It was hard to believe.

I was frantic the whole ride back home. She could tell I was panicky and tried to reassure me. She had decided to keep the baby. "What are we going to do?" I asked.

"We'll get married and have it," she said bravely. Looking at her in disbelief, I began the arguments on why at this time in our lives it was a stupid idea to have a baby. I brought up our finances. We didn't have the money to support a baby, how all our dreams would be pushed aside if we had a baby. How no one our age with babies stayed together because it put such stress on relationships. The whole ride home, she grew more and more unhappy. Her joy in finding out she was pregnant bleeding off as she realized that unlike her, this was not a joyous moment for me. Jenny quietly, stubbornly refused to give up. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and whispered urgently, "I love you, we can make this work." And finally, by the time we reached home, because I loved her too, I guess I began to believe.

Looking back, the next two months were a blur. She was so enthusiastic. We went to the store and with the last of our money, bought pre-natal pills. I, like a coward, feigned enthusiasm to keep her happy. I ignored the gibbering fear inside as it grew. I would hide my true feelings so as not to contaminate her joy. She went on making plans- looking through baby catalogues with a cheer that I always assured her I shared. Gradually, we became certain she was going to have a girl, and with the enthusiasm of first time mothers, she laboriously worked through family albums and favorite books until she had a name. Despite myself, I was impressed. We would name our daughter Lillian Jade Maxwell.

As days rolled by, my panic more and more began to overrule her enthusiasm. I'm ashamed to say I became cold and distant. I began to snap at her for no reason. I was always in a bad mood. But she bit her lip, and kept working.

Then one night, it all came to a head. She picked me up from work, where my entire day had been plagued with thoughts like, "How can I support a baby with this shit job?" She was bouncing with excitement, describing the events of her day when something she said snapped me out of my daze. "What did you say?" I demanded.

"Nicole and Ryan said they're very happy for us", she began again slowly.

"You told them?" I was incredulous that she had shared our "shame" with our friends. That tore it. It's hard to describe the most shameful moment of my life but I drove us up into the mountains and laid it all out for her. I let her know I had no interest in being a father. I wasn't ready to be a father. I told her how unfair it was to me to saddle me with this responsibility and how I wasn't sure I loved her enough to have a child with her. By the time I was done, she was crying. I had broken her heart. But most importantly, she had agreed to an abortion. My stomach hurts just remembering that night, sometimes enough to make myself sick.

This happened years ago. I heard recently Jenny moved to L.A. with some singer in some band. I hope she's happy. I have been alone since her. I spend a lot of time thinking though. I think about the past and the choices I made. I think about how cowardice can make you make choices that can haunt you for the rest of your life. I like to think I'm a better man than I was, but I'll never know now. So I think and I remember and I mourn. Because it still hurts after so long. I always remember, we would have named her Lillian Jade Maxwell.