Mood Numb
Music Sarah Bettens "All of this Past"
The only way to protect against this is to maintain a certain distance, a protective wall, as a defense against any that seek to get into your life. I often have to remind myself not to be weak and to cowboy up. I am the only one I need to depend on. I dont want to open myself up to anyone anymore. I dont want friends, despite the best of intentions, things go wrong. I dont want to deal with the rest of the world on its terms. Please go away and leave me alone. I dont want to hurt anymore.
(or the semi-complete, somewhat-unedited works of a sometime lunatic degenerate with unlimited high speed internet access)
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Monday, July 25, 2005
Eyes, eyes, nostrils, SILENT SCREAM!!
Mood icky
Music Sublime "Santeria"
Yah, so I fell of whatever the hell wagon I rode in on or something. Ended up at Robins house watching 'Camp' and drinking white wine (which I dont even like) until I was absolutely sick. Literally. I'm working again, and its hot, and thats about it. Shows still suck, I'm supposed to be out of book by tomorrow so sometime tonight I'll pick up the script and try to memorize Billy's iambic pentameter. Oh yeah, the cool stories told by Ann and Robin and Marcus make me miss doing shows that I enjoy. I suck and I'm weak I know.
P.S. Nathan Neben ate a twinkie!!! It made me lolololol.
Music Sublime "Santeria"
Yah, so I fell of whatever the hell wagon I rode in on or something. Ended up at Robins house watching 'Camp' and drinking white wine (which I dont even like) until I was absolutely sick. Literally. I'm working again, and its hot, and thats about it. Shows still suck, I'm supposed to be out of book by tomorrow so sometime tonight I'll pick up the script and try to memorize Billy's iambic pentameter. Oh yeah, the cool stories told by Ann and Robin and Marcus make me miss doing shows that I enjoy. I suck and I'm weak I know.
P.S. Nathan Neben ate a twinkie!!! It made me lolololol.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
This is the winter of our discontent
Mood Thoughtful
Music Jack Johnson "Bubbly Toes"
Theaterwise, I am doing two shows at the moment. I play Lucentio in Shakespeares 'Taming of the Shrew' and no one I know is allowed to see it. All I can say at the moment (as the show has yet to open) is that I pray for the day that this show closes. The directors (yes plural, more on that as soon as I feel I can get away with it safely) are insane. One more than the other, but even the good one is driving me crazy with her ideas on how to improve the show (Envision Petruchio in full period costume with a peice of KFC saying "Mmmm finger licking good" in the midst of a monologue). I've mentioned before, they dont want actors, they want some type of overacting, one dimensional, cartoon character. This is not conducive to a burgeoning love of shakespeare. The only saving grace is the time I get to spend with my friends (Chris, Lynette, Caitlen, Kelly, and yes even Warren).
The other show I'm doing is with a company that some of my friends are not very impressed with. I play Auctioneer #1 , I'm basically a chorus member with a title. I dont mind chorus, certain shows I'll play anything just to be involved (This is one of them, I LOVE Phantom of the Opera). However I feel a little uncomfortable with how kind the director is being to me. She's being a little too nice, it almost feels like condescension. She may think I'm another Tony Windisch (complete fag) who dropped the show immediately when he got cast as auctioneer #2 instead of Raoul. He parted with a few insulting comments on who they did cast as the lead (My bro Josh). Im used to his backstabbing by now, I suppose Im glad that they're not just directed at me but at anyone who gets a lead. By the way, Tony, if by some chance you get to this page and manage to read this far, Fuck You. I'm not afraid to come to your face with it. I dont talk about you behind your back (well, this is the first time but this is my page dammit) and I'm never bitter when one of my friends gets a lead. I dont know many people who consider you a friend and it may just be your piss poor attitude to blame. The easiest way to deal with your negativity is to ignore you and this is the last thought you will ever get from me you no-talent, skill-less peice of shit. Oh yes, if you do happen to read this, by all means come to me about it, I'll be glad to step outside and show you exactly what I think of you.
In real life, I'm being punished at work for daring to look for another, better paying job. My hours have been cut severely and I am now perpetually broke. Lucky me. Top it all off with the fact that one of my friends is leaving for L.A. soon and has given me a deadline on when I'm allowed to take her out to dinner.
I guess other than that I should be grateful, I have my health, my friends, my family, a job (that is punishing me but still) and yeah, all the good stuff. Ah well, another day...
Music Jack Johnson "Bubbly Toes"
Theaterwise, I am doing two shows at the moment. I play Lucentio in Shakespeares 'Taming of the Shrew' and no one I know is allowed to see it. All I can say at the moment (as the show has yet to open) is that I pray for the day that this show closes. The directors (yes plural, more on that as soon as I feel I can get away with it safely) are insane. One more than the other, but even the good one is driving me crazy with her ideas on how to improve the show (Envision Petruchio in full period costume with a peice of KFC saying "Mmmm finger licking good" in the midst of a monologue). I've mentioned before, they dont want actors, they want some type of overacting, one dimensional, cartoon character. This is not conducive to a burgeoning love of shakespeare. The only saving grace is the time I get to spend with my friends (Chris, Lynette, Caitlen, Kelly, and yes even Warren).
The other show I'm doing is with a company that some of my friends are not very impressed with. I play Auctioneer #1 , I'm basically a chorus member with a title. I dont mind chorus, certain shows I'll play anything just to be involved (This is one of them, I LOVE Phantom of the Opera). However I feel a little uncomfortable with how kind the director is being to me. She's being a little too nice, it almost feels like condescension. She may think I'm another Tony Windisch (complete fag) who dropped the show immediately when he got cast as auctioneer #2 instead of Raoul. He parted with a few insulting comments on who they did cast as the lead (My bro Josh). Im used to his backstabbing by now, I suppose Im glad that they're not just directed at me but at anyone who gets a lead. By the way, Tony, if by some chance you get to this page and manage to read this far, Fuck You. I'm not afraid to come to your face with it. I dont talk about you behind your back (well, this is the first time but this is my page dammit) and I'm never bitter when one of my friends gets a lead. I dont know many people who consider you a friend and it may just be your piss poor attitude to blame. The easiest way to deal with your negativity is to ignore you and this is the last thought you will ever get from me you no-talent, skill-less peice of shit. Oh yes, if you do happen to read this, by all means come to me about it, I'll be glad to step outside and show you exactly what I think of you.
In real life, I'm being punished at work for daring to look for another, better paying job. My hours have been cut severely and I am now perpetually broke. Lucky me. Top it all off with the fact that one of my friends is leaving for L.A. soon and has given me a deadline on when I'm allowed to take her out to dinner.
I guess other than that I should be grateful, I have my health, my friends, my family, a job (that is punishing me but still) and yeah, all the good stuff. Ah well, another day...
Monday, July 18, 2005
The Half Blood Prince
Harry pottah harry pottah. So I picked up the book last night at 7 pm and I couldnt put it down until I finished it. Wow. Wish it was longer...
How long do I have to wait till the next one??
How long do I have to wait till the next one??
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Just so we're clear
I consider myself an unadulterated asshole, particularly when I (used to) drink. This might have applied at one point in my life, but I'm only getting bigger and meaner all the time. Still, my friend emailed this to me and I thought it was cute. If you read this and it applies to you, then 'cheers'!
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl?s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they?re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don?t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn?t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you?d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn?t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing ?serious? between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: ?oh, but we?re just friends!? And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you?re nice like that.
The nice guys don?t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don?t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can?t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as ?oh, he?s too nice to date? or ?he would be a good boyfriend but he?s not for me? or ?he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn?t possibly ask him out!? or the most frustrating of all: ?no, it would ruin our friendship.? Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can?t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I?m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn?t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you?re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
On second thought, if thats you, you suck. Life is pain princess.
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl?s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they?re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don?t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn?t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you?d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn?t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing ?serious? between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: ?oh, but we?re just friends!? And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you?re nice like that.
The nice guys don?t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don?t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can?t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as ?oh, he?s too nice to date? or ?he would be a good boyfriend but he?s not for me? or ?he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn?t possibly ask him out!? or the most frustrating of all: ?no, it would ruin our friendship.? Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can?t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I?m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn?t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you?re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
On second thought, if thats you, you suck. Life is pain princess.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
*Yawn*
Mood Fried
Its fricken hot outside. Unless I have drugs in my system that I dont know about, a warrant for something or other that I dont know about, or a serious medical condition that I dont know about, I have a new job. That with construction with the fact that I am very single with no dependents whatsoever means I will be rolling in the money. And I will have benefits. And I will be cute. That is all.
Its fricken hot outside. Unless I have drugs in my system that I dont know about, a warrant for something or other that I dont know about, or a serious medical condition that I dont know about, I have a new job. That with construction with the fact that I am very single with no dependents whatsoever means I will be rolling in the money. And I will have benefits. And I will be cute. That is all.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
WOOF, woof, woof, woof, woof (or Deagan and Ethan's Song)
Mood Sleepy, Good
Its 2 am and I just got back from babysitting my 5 and 8 year old nephews. I would like to mention that I, as a completely unbiased impartial observer, think they are the cutest nephews in the world (also, my only nephews but thats beside the point).
Tonight, I took them to watch the Fantastic Four and of course they loved it. They thought The Human Torch was the coolest superhero they had ever seen. Then it was grocery shopping for banana split makings so we would have energy for an entire evening of video games 'until our eyes fell out'. Along the way, they popped in a cd to which they surprisingly knew all the words. Let me tell you, hearing their little piping voices singing along (many times out of tune) to "Who let the dogs out" cracked me up.
They had more fun making the banana splits then eating them. Then they played Halo. Oh boy, watch the testosterone in those little monkeys. Any mission they had to work together ended in bloodshed as they immediately (and I mean immediately as in 5 seconds out of the chute) turned their guns on each other. Any versus each other mission went on forever as they spent their time wandering all over the map driving tanks and gliders and incidentally completely avoiding each other. They ought to make those maps smaller I suppose.
At 11 pm I put them to bed, and despite the "We're not sleepy" they were dreaming as soon as the lights went out. Classic.
Work in a couple hours so I gotta get to bed. I'm also saying a prayer for a buddy of mine running for Miss Nevada tomorrow. Not that she needs to win necessarily (but that would be amazing for her), but that everything will work out for her according to God's plan.
I love those boys.
Its 2 am and I just got back from babysitting my 5 and 8 year old nephews. I would like to mention that I, as a completely unbiased impartial observer, think they are the cutest nephews in the world (also, my only nephews but thats beside the point).
Tonight, I took them to watch the Fantastic Four and of course they loved it. They thought The Human Torch was the coolest superhero they had ever seen. Then it was grocery shopping for banana split makings so we would have energy for an entire evening of video games 'until our eyes fell out'. Along the way, they popped in a cd to which they surprisingly knew all the words. Let me tell you, hearing their little piping voices singing along (many times out of tune) to "Who let the dogs out" cracked me up.
They had more fun making the banana splits then eating them. Then they played Halo. Oh boy, watch the testosterone in those little monkeys. Any mission they had to work together ended in bloodshed as they immediately (and I mean immediately as in 5 seconds out of the chute) turned their guns on each other. Any versus each other mission went on forever as they spent their time wandering all over the map driving tanks and gliders and incidentally completely avoiding each other. They ought to make those maps smaller I suppose.
At 11 pm I put them to bed, and despite the "We're not sleepy" they were dreaming as soon as the lights went out. Classic.
Work in a couple hours so I gotta get to bed. I'm also saying a prayer for a buddy of mine running for Miss Nevada tomorrow. Not that she needs to win necessarily (but that would be amazing for her), but that everything will work out for her according to God's plan.
I love those boys.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Monday, July 04, 2005
The irony of your reply would make me laugh, if it didnt make me want to cry
Mood Uncertain, Melancholy
Music Ludwig Van Beethoven "Moonlight Sonata"
You could say in roughly fifteen minutes, I will be turning a corner of my life. In no uncertain terms am I where I wanted to be at this point, but all I can do is keep trying. I am at a point where I will never be again.
Best of luck to my friend as she heads to Mesquite. She'll be phenomenal.
I'm growing up.
Music Ludwig Van Beethoven "Moonlight Sonata"
You could say in roughly fifteen minutes, I will be turning a corner of my life. In no uncertain terms am I where I wanted to be at this point, but all I can do is keep trying. I am at a point where I will never be again.
Best of luck to my friend as she heads to Mesquite. She'll be phenomenal.
I'm growing up.
Friday, July 01, 2005
Physical
Mood Exhausted, Sad
Music Brooklyn Original Broadway Cast "Christmas Makes Me Cry"
Today I dominated the physical and psychological test. I wasnt fucking around today. I was focused and determined. I thought of her, everything was easy after that. I got an offer of conditional employment, so unless something goes terribly wrong, looks like I'll be starting a new job soon.
Music Brooklyn Original Broadway Cast "Christmas Makes Me Cry"
Today I dominated the physical and psychological test. I wasnt fucking around today. I was focused and determined. I thought of her, everything was easy after that. I got an offer of conditional employment, so unless something goes terribly wrong, looks like I'll be starting a new job soon.
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