Yep, still %@!#'in' broken

Mood aching
Music Andrea Bocelli & Dulce Pontes "O Mare E Tu"

Friend of mine once told me "Never let them know how much they hurt you". So I have to be strong. I have to put on the game face. Society teaches its men that from an early age.

I hate this time of year. Christmas for some people is a time of hope and happiness...for others it is not. I only have a month to get through.

I woke up this morning and still nothing is fixed. I dont feel better. I keep remembering stupid stupid stupid shit.

I am not doing too well at the moment. But, I am not weak at all.

I will not come back to this diary until I have something more positive to say.

Memory, Sorrow, and Thorn

Mood tired
Music Andrea Bocelli "Con te Partiro"

Im tired. No surprise. It's 2 am. I think I'm scared of sleeping. I dont like where my thoughts wander and all the stressful things that come floating up from the bottom of my id.
It seems that I unconciously keep moving until, I dont fall asleep, as much as pass out from exhaustion.

I feel empty. Some people hurt themselves, not so much for attention (maybe, hell I dont know), but so that they can feel something -- anything, to get away from the empty hollow part inside.

Time and forgetfullness heals all wounds, I feel, I am sure, that I lost something beautiful and amazing and heartbreaking, something I will never touch again. I sometimes get dim flashes at moments in my life, of something that will remind me for a brief second of ... I dont know....A time closer to Heavan I suppose. Memories...

I should have left this behind with my adolescence.

Its over

I have been blessed by God. I am grateful to the depths of my being for the time that was given to me. Thank you to all my friends for your kind words and kinder posts.

Carousel was magic, but then again, all the shows are. I heard that a lot of people left that theater feeling something. Can there be any higher gift given to an actor, than to make someone feel? I dont think so.

I recently held the regard of one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. She is lovely, but now we are once again just friends. That and the closing of the show are kinda what is kicking my ass all over this room.

I dont know what Im going to do now.

I am filled with love and respect for all the people that I have come into contact with in the last few months. Big Bauer, thanks bro 8). Andie, I love you. Ky, without your smile and hugs, I would be lost. Erin, youre one of the kindest people I know. Dom, you, my brother, are someone who makes me feel blessed just because of your friendship. If I have missed you, its not because of a lack of affection, I blame it on the fact that its 1 in the morning and I have to be at work in the next few hours no matter that I cant sleep.

I know what I'm going to do now.

Time to heal. Time to move on. Time to grow.

Life is funny

Mood hollow

I was never a big believer anyways, but tonight it struck home forcefully. Joy is fleeting. Glory is temporary. I am grateful, but for now I just need to crawl into a hole and make it all go away.

I'm weary inside.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and ...

Mood there are no words to describe it
Music Ancrea Bocelli "Con Te Partiro"

Im happy!!! Im happy!!! She makes me feel alive... I don't understand it. When I'm around her, it's hard to breathe.

This cant end well. It's so right though, I can't see how it can end badly.

She says I'm beautiful.

She makes me want to be a better man.

She is my angel.

Found these Kodak mattress moments

Mood dreamy
Music Andrea Bocelli "Ave Maria"


This would be the lovely Lady Larken (my buddy Hana)...



telling me she is pregnant...



needless to say, I take it well...



not to worry though, its all twoo wuv at the close of the show!


hahah good times, good times.

Its just so good when it hits your lips....

Mood Cloud 9
Music Love songlist (Songbird atm)

Andie, Bri, and Ky...Thank you for your words. You guys made me feel like a million bucks!

Its sunday night, and what a crazy night. Carousel is over for the weekend and I'm glad and sad at the same time. Its emotionally exhausting for me (thats an understatement if I ever heard one) and now I have a chance to concentrate on real life. On the other hand, the addictive nature of the Theatah means that I'm going to be going into serious withdrawal in just about 24 hours, and I will be missing everyone like crazy.

On a more serious note, I try to live my life morally, but something happened tonight--something that blew my mind. It may have had something to do with me missing an entrance, or maybe not. Irregardless, I am amazed and elated and guilty and defiant and a whole mix of other emotions. In all probability, this will be common news in the company very soon, but I dont give a goddamn. I got a lecture tonight about it already but 5 minutes later it was out of my mind. What it comes down to is that I wont do anything wrong, BUT I wont stop doing what makes me happy just to suit other peoples sensibilities. I AM old enough to know better, and I WONT go too far, and yes this kind of thing happens occassionally but take your guilt trip and save it for someone who deserves it.

Im not looking for a happy ending, but I am going to keep my options open. And I am happy right fucking now so fuck you if you cant or wont understand it.

June is bustin' out an ass whoopin

Mood Freakin out
Music Carousel Soundtrack

ok, four hours before call. Opening night. Im officially freaking out man. My stomach is fluttery and knotted. I just want people to enjoy the show. The entire cast has put in some hard work. Dancing, Chorus, Orchestra, tech and those other lead type folk have made this a great show, so now I have to pull my weight. I have put a lot of myself into this character. This character deserves to be done well. I don't wanna let anybody down. FACK . hahaha. I'm so scattered. Gotta get calm. I know Robin is coming tonight. I hope she enjoys it. Andie and Marcus are coming sometime this weekend as well, I hope they dont hate it. I think its better not to know when your friends are coming, that way you dont stress, and I have no idea when Ky is coming.

If there is a thing that you love doing, than you should try to do it well.

I Stole this from Andie (who stole this from Jen)

Mood a li'l stressed
Music The Crystal Method "Bad Stone"


-----------------DESCRIBE---------------

--YOUR HERITAGE: Island boy, Pacific Islands to be exact
--THE SHOES YOU WORE TODAY: black airwalks
--YOUR EYES: dark brown
--YOUR FEARS: being alone for the rest of my life, looking back on my life and not being proud of myself, failure, opening up, etc
--ONE THING YOU'D LIKE TO ACHIEVE: A degree, a family, a home, a legacy to leave the world

-----------------WHAT IS------------------

--YOUR THOUGHTS FIRST WAKING UP: either "fack I dont wanna go to work..." or "fack Im late for work".
--THE FIRST FEATURE YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX: smile, then face, then ass,
--YOUR BEDTIME: way way too late for someone who has to get up as early as I do, usually midnight to about two am.
--YOUR MOST MISSED MEMORY: Belonging....being loved.

--------------YOU PREFER----------------

--PEPSI OR COKE: doesnt matter, tastes the same to my refined palate.
--MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING: see above, no no no wait, I hate Mickey D's breakfast menu, and I hate BK's lunch menu...
--SINGLE OR GROUP DATES: Group until I know if I can like the girl and feel comfortable with her, then single.
--ADIDAS OR NIKE: Im not so materialistic as to answer this question, but adidas really.
--CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Chocolate
--CAPPUCCINO OR COFFEE: there's a difference?

-------------DO YOU---------------

--SMOKE: not anymore (haha)
--CUSS: like a sailor all the time unless Im around ladies
--TAKE A SHOWER EVERYDAY: 2x a day
--HAVE A CRUSH(ES): not anymore
--DO YOU THINK YOU'VE BEEN IN LOVE?: I have been that (un)lucky , depends on the day
--WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE: yes dear God
--LIKE HIGH SCHOOL: my senior year I did
--WANT TO GET MARRIED: yes
--TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS: yep, I roole...ruule...whatevah.
--GET MOTION SICKNESS: no hahahaha, I laugh at people who do, I am however, horribly allergic to cats and people with motion sickness like to laugh at me in turn. It's all relative.
--THINK YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE: Some girls dont like boys like me, oh but some girls do
--THINK YOU'RE A HEALTH FREAK: I once was back in my lifting/training days. Not anymore.
--GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: My Mom is in Hawaii, course I do.
--LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: yes.
--PLAY AN INSTRUMENT: I know a lil bit on the guitar. I play the computer and xbox and psII as well!!

-------IN THE PAST MONTH DID:/:HAVE YOU--------

--DRANK ALCOHOL: yessah
--SMOKE(D): nossah
--DONE A DRUG: otc only
--HAD SEX: negatory, wait, does it have to be with someone? err no, no sex. "No sex please, Im british."
--MADE OUT: nope
--GONE ON A DATE: still nope
--GONE TO THE MALL: no no no
--BEEN ON STAGE: YES!!! FINALLY A POSITIVE ANSWER!!
--BEEN DUMPED: no...
--GONE SKATING: nah
--MADE HOMEMADE COOKIES: haha nevah!
--BEEN IN LOVE: yes /sigh or lust, or something.
--DYED YOUR HAIR: haha not in the last month no.
--STOLEN ANYTHING: NO OFFICER, I SWEAR!

----------------------HAVE YOU EVER-------------------------

--FLOWN ON A PLANE: I swam from Hawaii. I mean yes.
--MISSED SCHOOL BECAUSE IT WAS RAINING: yes, I would look for any lame ass reason to skip school.
--TOLD A GUY/GIRL YOU LIKED THEM: yes, all the time, its important to let your friends know that they are important to you.
--CRIED DURING A MOVIE: yes, nuff said
--EVER THOUGHT AN ANIMATED CHARACTER WAS HOT: yes nuff said again
--HAD AN IMAGINARY FRIEND: hahahah never,
--BEEN ON STAGE: yes
--CUT YOUR HAIR: I have cut my own hair before (shaved my head and crazier stuffs in wrestling)
--HAD A CRUSH ON A TEACHER: yes but they were female, in my defense.
--PLAYED A GAME THAT REQUIRED REMOVAL OF CLOTHING: never
--BEEN CAUGHT DOING SOMETHING: never
--BEEN CALLED A TEASE: once by a girlfriend that I refused to ....satisfy
--GOTTEN BEATEN UP: yes a couple times
--BEEN IN A FIGHT: yes a couple times
--SHOPLIFTED: negative negative

---------------THE FUTURE-----------------

--AGE YOU HOPE TO BE MARRIED: passed that awhile back
--NUMBERS AND NAMES OF CHILDREN: pass on this question
--HOW DO YOU WANT TO DIE: I want to be stepped on by an elephant at the age of 138 while having sex with 3 pornstar actresses in the middle of my billion dollar mansion. Or more realistically, I want to die like a man, with my boots on.
--WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP: a good man
--WHAT COUNTRY WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT?: Scotland, its where all the magic is.

-------------------OPPOSITE/SAME SEX------------------------

--BEST EYE COLOR: dark
--BEST HAIR COLOR:dark
--BEST HEIGHT: any
--BEST FIRST DATE LOCATION: someplace with candles, and moons, and soft music and laughter and good feelings.
--BEST FIRST KISS LOCATION: Outside her front door, on the porch, after the first date, while my heart is pounding with nerves.

--------------------NUMBER OF -------------------------

--KISSES YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN: you cant count the number of stars in the sky. Hershey Kisses are the best chocolate.
--NUMBER OF DRUGS TAKEN ILLEGALLY: theres more to this story, suffice to say, I once sought oblivian by doing anything I could get my hands on. I have done a LOT of illegal drugs in my life, but that was a long time ago.
--NUMBER OF PEOPLE I COULD TRUST WITH MY LIFE: one or two of my friends...fack that, nobody on second thought.
--NUMBER OF PIERCINGS: only two now, but I still have the scars from the others
--NUMBER OF TATTOOS: one, a crucifix centered between my shoulder blades, my faith is the only thing about me I know to be permanent.
--NUMBER OF TIMES MY NAME HAS APPEARED IN THE NEWSPAPER: couple times for shows.
--NUMBER OF SCARS ON MY BODY: many many many many many, I grew up rough, all man baby.
--NUMBER OF THINGS IN MY PAST I REGRET DEEPLY: too many

------------------FAVORITES---------------------

--FAV COLOR: Black (technically, its a shade, not a color but fuggit)
--DAY/NIGHT: night
--SUMMER/WINTER: Summer or Fall are the best. Winter blows sweaty monkey balls.
--LACE OR SATIN: bleh, Im straight. Denim?
--FAVE CARTOON CHARACTER: Genie from Aladdin. Though he has a bunch of cool runner ups (like Silver from Treasure Planet, or Bruce from Finding Nemo).
--FAVE FOOD: Spaghetti, Steak, MEAT!!! (carnivores rhule..rool...whatevah)
--FAVE MOVIES: anything that makes you FEEL. If you come out of that theater trying to shake off some hardcore emotions (boredom doesnt count) then that movie is a winner. I like movies that end with the guy and girl living happily ever after.
--FAVE SPORT: Not that great a sport guy, I appreciate Football, Baseball, Hockey, Boxing, and NHB fighting, but I'm fine without.

----------------RIGHT NOW-----------------

--WEARING: Nike sweatpants, Sweater
--DRINKING: Nada atm
--THINKING ABOUT: rehearsal, voice lessons, mothafukn dmv.
--LISTENING TO: The Crystal Method *techno*

--------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS-------------------

--CRIED: NO
--WORN JEANS: NO
--MET SOMEONE NEW ONLINE: NO
--DONE LAUNDRY: NO (haha I suck)
--DROVE A CAR: yes
--TALKED ON THE PHONE: in the age of cell phones, this question is a gimme

-------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN------------------

--YOURSELF: not anymore
--YOUR FRIENDS: sorta
--SANTA CLAUS: as an abstract ideal
--TOOTH FAIRY: I never did,
--DESTINY/FATE: I did once, but not anymore
--ANGELS: yes
--GHOSTS: I believe there are mysteries left that mankind vainly attempts to label and categorize. Yes, in a way.
--UFO'S: see above
--GOD: Yes

---------------FRIENDS AND LIFE-----------------

--DO YOU EVER WISH YOU HAD ANOTHER NAME: For a long time I did.
--DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND: No
--DO YOU LIKE ANYONE: Not anymore (in that way)
--WHICH ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS ACTS THE MOST LIKE YOU: Leslie Nicole Carlen, except she's a girl so she has an excuse.
--WHO HAVE YOU KNOWN THE LONGEST OF YOUR FRIENDS: Dan "D", or Ryan.
--ARE YOU CLOSE TO ANY FAMILY MEMBER: My brother was my best friend, fucker moved back to Hawaii though, My mother raised me on her own so I'll always love her.
--WHO DO YOU HANG AROUND THE MOST: Nobody,
--WHEN HAVE YOU CRIED THE MOST: When my Uncle passed away last year, I never knew I could cry like like that.
--WHATS THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: Being loved and accepted. Being cherished by someone that means the world to you.
--WORST FEELING: Losing all hope.

--------------CURRENT-------------------

--CURRENT MOOD: relaxed atm, but stressed as soon as I log off.
--CURRENT MUSIC: Strange Flower by Aya
--CURRENT HAIR: wtf? how do you answer this question. Yes I have hair currently?
--CURRENT ANNOYANCE: stupid question above this one. And movin right along to bills now.
--CURRENT THING I OUGHT TO BE DOING: studying my freakin script.
--CURRENT WINDOWS OPEN: none, its winter.
--CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE: Anime schoolgirl under a blossom tree.
--CURRENT BOOK: Rereading Harry Potter, Goblet of Fire
--CURRENT JOB: I work construction

--------------DO I/HAVE I EVER----------------

--HAVE A DREAM THAT KEEPS COMING BACK: no, dont think so
--REMEMBER YOUR FIRST LOVE: no, time heals all wounds doesnt it
--STILL LOVE HIM/HER: no
--READ THE NEWSPAPER: yes
--BELIEVE IT'S POSSIBLE TO REMAIN FAITHFUL FOREVER: absolutely
--CONSIDER YOURSELF TOLERANT OF OTHERS: I am yes, its easy to remain calm when you have the option of resorting to physical violence hidden in back of your mind.
--CONSIDER LOVE A MISTAKE: yes
--LIKE THE TASTE OF ALCOHOL: I do now, strangely enough
--HAVE A FAVORITE CANDY: peanut butter and chocolate roxxors my boxers.
--DO WELL IN SCHOOL: yes
--WEAR HATS: only when I have to (or when I want to hide my hair)
--WISH ON STARS: not anymore. Those damn stars are liars, all of em.
--LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING: sure, why not
--CARE ABOUT LOOKS: others looks yes, my own, no

-----------------LOVE AND STUFF--------------------

GAY? STRAIGHT? BI? NULL? Straight. wait! what is 'null'?
FIRST CRUSH: some girl that I cant remember anything of except her voice.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: yes
DO YOU BELIEVE IN "THE ONE": yes, for other people.

--------------ARE YOU A---------------

WUSS: in some ways, but I'm not adverse to physically expressing my displeasure to people who wish to belabor the point.
DRUGGY: no, not me
DAYDREAMER: yes omg !
FREAK: kinda
DORK: in a lot of ways I am
BITCH/ASSHOLE: /sigh ok, you got me.
SARCASTIC: this too
SHY: yes,
TALKATIVE: around people I am comfortable with
ADVENTUROUS: sure, I think, wait...no, wait yes, wait...fuck..
JOKER: God this entire last series of questions sukked...suxxed...whatevah.

...................LAST (THANK GOD)...................

LAST BOOK YOU READ: "War of the Spider Queen" by some author or other. I'm not walking upstairs to check.
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW: "Saw" hated it, lame and unrealistic
LAST THING YOU HAD TO DRINK: Milk
LAST TIME YOU SHOWERED: this morning
LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE: my sister and brother in law last night


Sweet ! It's over?? yay!1! yhay. whatevah.