NO THATS NOT ALL DAMMIT!

Mood weary
Music Plumb "Damaged"

I almost went to bed without posting this but I feel that I have to. What I want out of life: I want damn sure that everyone around me is happy. Now this is an unrealistic goal but seriously, you have to have something to aim for. I am content. I work, I live, I sleep, I enjoy myself with the company of exceptional (imho) people and I am moving toward a deeply personal and private goal/ambition. I am not looking for a happy ending. I am looking for whatever I get. Now, since I am not necessarily looking for a happy ending, I think its only fair Karmically that everyone around me that I care about have, if not a happy ending, then as large a slice of happy pie as they can handle. Thats not so much to ask for is it?

Things didn't work out with Brandy (Las Vegas) and I. The more I think about it, the more certain I am that I made the right choice. Have a good life Brandy, I think you will, and that makes me glad.

There once was a time in my life that this quote expressed my entirety of being:

"Of all the things I have lost in life, the one I miss the most is hope"

That doesnt apply to me anymore.

God loves me and so do my friends and family.

The only thing I'm worried about now is fuxing up these shows, especially 'Carousel' omg omg.

<3

Carousel

Mood drained
Music Andrea Bocelli "O' Mare E Tu"

Tonights rehearsal was emotionally exhausting, though I was only working for about twenty minutes, I was using some powerful feelings. I don't think I can do this, I try to bring truth to it, but I don't know if anyone see's it. I'm trying bring out the scene's emotions from within so the audience recognizes it on some instinctual level, but I don't know if they do. I'm afraid of giving my all to it because I'm afraid of looking like a fool. Inhibited performances suck. I'm so tired that I don't know how to express myself at all. I dont know if I can do this role...

Whoa...

Mood exhausted

I am surrounded by beautiful people. I don't just mean physically attractive (but they all are) but truly beautiful people. As much as it is given me to know them, as I am usually on the fringe or outskirts of the story of their lives, each of them are thought provoking and have left an impact on my life.

To all my friends, whether we have shared hugs, thoughts, feelings, trials, or even a smile and a greeting, I want to say thank you for bringing the beauty that is you into my life. Theater in this city is blessed to have all these people.

Light booth people rock by the way. Hope my pictures turn out okay as I am not the most photogenic of peoples.

I am looking at 12 hours of sleep total for the last three days by the time work starts tomorrow.

Sheer unadulterated madness, BUT at least I'm not bored.

Delusionally Irrational (if that phrase doesnt exist, it does now) but not bored.

Rambling of a Scattered Mind

Mood introspective
Music Allison Kraus "Baby of Mine"


I wonder what the meaning is behind the old adage "Time heals all wounds". Does time heal, or is it the natural defense of the mind to numb trauma with the luxury of forgetfulness. I have been shamed and full of guilt, and I have been proud and arrogant. My current goal is to get through life without hurting as many people as I can. My dreams become more and more humble the older I get.

I dont think I am the most conscientious of people. I should write or call my mother to let her know how much she means to me.

I was in love once. Does that mean that it exists? Cynicism is ugly. I am guilty of being ugly. I remember feeling invincible. Now I am a realist.

Nihilism. Apathy. Melancholy. Pretty words, I wonder if they mean anything.

Virtue, Honor, Love. Prettier words...

The world is a jaded blase place. Children are closest to God however, the world hasnt spent years trying to hammer them into its cookie cutter mold. I enjoy watching children, they let the old leathery beaten veterans remember and perhaps relive the wonder of all the joy we are surrounded by.

I'm just tired. I should go read lines for these shows, but all these wierd thoughts are --not really running, more like drifting-- through my head.

Wierd, thats an ugly word. Bad memories associated with that word for me. Crap, did I even spell it correctly? I have friends that respect me and love me. I have friends who regard me just this side of contempt. My life is very strange but sadly, not very interesting.

I wonder if my brother went through all this, sitting alone up in his apartement in Reno, when he was alone. To fix it, he moved back to Hawaii. I wonder if he is happier now that he is constantly surrounded by family. Is it other peoples opinion of you that dictates ones self worth? Hmmm, not quite sure how I ended up getting to Existentialism from the word 'Wierd'.

Thats enough for tonight. Sadly, I'm completely sober and clear headed.

Pr0n

Porn rules. That is all.

no thats not all.

I feel much better about everything. Maybe I just needed some sleep or something, its amazing how cheerful and upbeat I am at this moment. Of course, I have the day off (Happy Sabbath!) and thats always a plus. Amazing how time flies when you are just lounging around like some cinnamon complexioned sloth. lalalala laaaa~.

Tonight

I have taken some things for granted. Forgive me Father. Thank you for my blessings: my health, my job, my friends, my family.

I forgot what life was about for awhile there. Tonight I made someone happy. Thats good enough for me.

Whiskey Lullabye

I feel sad and alone and cheap. I am a fool. I am humiliated in my own secret shame. I am an extra in the novel of my life. Does it take more courage to end it or to keep going on? If this Life is a game, what happens when you dont want to play anymore? What happens when you feel so alienated from everything around you that you just want to continue the hurting? Cash out. Time to bow out gracefully. I wish I wasnt so scared.

Failure.

I want to make the hurt stop.

There are no happy endings.

fuck

I am so pissed. I am so angry I could kill someone. I havent felt this red all encompassing rage in a long time. It's destructive and useless and fills my head with homocidal fantasies. FUCK! I am sooo angry at my roommate and everyone around me. A beer or two, I could just brood for a couple hours over a beer or two. I am starting to regain some semblance of calm. That kind of emotion isnt meant to be able to run full throttle for very long I think. Now that I'm calming down, of course, I am getting depressed. God, I am ready to lash out at anyone still if they even look at me wrong. Marcus is here, I'm leaving, god help that fucker.

Time

its been some time since I last posted. Im kinda in a weird mood. Life is one funny ride.

Just got back from 'Carousel' rehearsal. Unfortunately, my voice needs work and the role will not be nearly as easy and intuitive as I had hoped.

Introspection can be a dangerous thing.

A Cowards Broken Heart

"I'm afraid these birth control methods wont work, young lady. Did you know you're pregnant?" The nurse looked from Jenny's face to mine, "You didn't know," she stated. Obviously.

Jenny was looking at the nurse in shock, then, I couldn't believe it, she started to smile. I, however, felt as if the floor had fallen out from under me. I watched the smile on Jenny's face as she looked at me hopefully. At that point, though I could see their lips moving, I coudn't hear a damn thing either she or the nurse said because of the roaring in my ears. I felt like I was going to faint.

Jenny and I had been together for about six years. We met in high school. She had the face of an angel, the body of a supermodel, and a bright cheerful personality. She liked me because I made her laugh. We shared our dreams and hopes, became best friends, then sweethearts. We fell in love. After all this time she had become pregnant. It was hard to believe.

I was frantic the whole ride back home. She could tell I was panicky and tried to reassure me. She had decided to keep the baby. "What are we going to do?" I asked.

"We'll get married and have it," she said bravely. Looking at her in disbelief, I began the arguments on why at this time in our lives it was a stupid idea to have a baby. I brought up our finances. We didn't have the money to support a baby, how all our dreams would be pushed aside if we had a baby. How no one our age with babies stayed together because it put such stress on relationships. The whole ride home, she grew more and more unhappy. Her joy in finding out she was pregnant bleeding off as she realized that unlike her, this was not a joyous moment for me. Jenny quietly, stubbornly refused to give up. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and whispered urgently, "I love you, we can make this work." And finally, by the time we reached home, because I loved her too, I guess I began to believe.

Looking back, the next two months were a blur. She was so enthusiastic. We went to the store and with the last of our money, bought pre-natal pills. I, like a coward, feigned enthusiasm to keep her happy. I ignored the gibbering fear inside as it grew. I would hide my true feelings so as not to contaminate her joy. She went on making plans- looking through baby catalogues with a cheer that I always assured her I shared. Gradually, we became certain she was going to have a girl, and with the enthusiasm of first time mothers, she laboriously worked through family albums and favorite books until she had a name. Despite myself, I was impressed. We would name our daughter Lillian Jade Maxwell.

As days rolled by, my panic more and more began to overrule her enthusiasm. I'm ashamed to say I became cold and distant. I began to snap at her for no reason. I was always in a bad mood. But she bit her lip, and kept working.

Then one night, it all came to a head. She picked me up from work, where my entire day had been plagued with thoughts like, "How can I support a baby with this shit job?" She was bouncing with excitement, describing the events of her day when something she said snapped me out of my daze. "What did you say?" I demanded.

"Nicole and Ryan said they're very happy for us", she began again slowly.

"You told them?" I was incredulous that she had shared our "shame" with our friends. That tore it. It's hard to describe the most shameful moment of my life but I drove us up into the mountains and laid it all out for her. I let her know I had no interest in being a father. I wasn't ready to be a father. I told her how unfair it was to me to saddle me with this responsibility and how I wasn't sure I loved her enough to have a child with her. By the time I was done, she was crying. I had broken her heart. But most importantly, she had agreed to an abortion. My stomach hurts just remembering that night, sometimes enough to make myself sick.

This happened years ago. I heard recently Jenny moved to L.A. with some singer in some band. I hope she's happy. I have been alone since her. I spend a lot of time thinking though. I think about the past and the choices I made. I think about how cowardice can make you make choices that can haunt you for the rest of your life. I like to think I'm a better man than I was, but I'll never know now. So I think and I remember and I mourn. Because it still hurts after so long. I always remember, we would have named her Lillian Jade Maxwell.

BOOMSHAKALAKA~

aside from the drinking and blowing 600 dollars and breaking my streak of the last few years (yes, I got laid), Las Vegas blew goat chunks.

What a friggin nightmare. We go up there to do a job for some millionaire dude with 100k worth of new teeth and he freaks at the end of the week over some insult and pays us only a portion of what we agreed on. That mansion sucked, it was a nightmare and I loathed every minute of it. I've been gone for the last 8 days (when he said the job would take only two days) and the house was beautiful when we left, there wasnt enough food, there wasnt enough sleep, and I was driven like a slave. MISERABLE. Never never never again to a job that was bid over the phone.

On the bright side, I saw Alaska Dan and Lynette for the first time in two years and I hooked up with Brandy who evidentally I left a good impression on. She is a very pretty girl who would be only prettier if she smiled more often. We visited Cheetahs again which is one of the better strip clubs in the area (omg some beautiful woman) and I finally was able to pay Dan back for how well he treated me when I was up for his wedding. Anyway, I just got back and Im sunburned and exhausted and only three more days till my first rehearsals!!!

RIGHT ON!

ok, nuff ramblin,