Erin, Even Frozen Chocolate Milk Is Meant To Be Shared...

Mood Thoughtful
Music 'Radames' Letter' Adam Pascal

I just may have the day off I need to watch Rent with Robin, Marcus, and Caitycat. And I'm budgeted for Aida on March 18. So I'm hoping to get my fix off these shows.

Saw the audition results for Millie and Charlie Brown. Therese got some love. Marcus and James did too. Happy Caitlin got a good role as well. Wish I could have had something to do with the shows (other than my determination to make a tax deductible donation). Mostly I wish Andieandie had gotten some props but supposedly the politics behind it werent conducive to her getting what she deserved (Millie).

No parts for me in those shows anyway.

Lots of times, I wonder where I would be if I were lighter skinned.

I dont mean to bring race into it, I never do. Im not a fan of people bringing up decades of oppression as a reason for all their failings at life. I just wonder sometimes. Unfortunately, I'm sometimes very sensitive to matters of skin color. I wonder if someone is being nice to me because I'm ethnic. I wonder if someone is trying to be nice to me despite my being ethnic. I'm most comfortable when Im certain that skin color never comes into play, which unfortunately means Im most comfortable when people arent very nice to me. Coming from Hawaii, where skin color is such a non-factor, I wasnt really prepared to deal with the skin head faction here on the mainland. Just the fact that such hatred and pregidous exists here was a shock. Making me paranoid I suppose. I suppose thats why it takes me so long to relax around people I meet.

I dont know why I brought that up. I have many friends who love me and dont see my skin color at all. They love me for me. And I imagine my even talking about it would be something of a shock or disappointment to them. Hell, why am I even thinking about it. Maybe I get tired of slipping 'Im from Hawaii' into every greeting so people wont think I'm a 'Dirty Mexican' or 'African American'. Maybe its my failing that I dont trust people to judge me for me when I first meet them. Maybe its one of the things about me that I need to grow up about. I remember a teacher asking me once, 'why do you always bring up that something happened because you're brown? You're the only one making an issue of this'.

I'm confused again.

Ok, stupidity aside. I'm not going to bring that up again. I apologize profusely to anyone who read that and was struck by how absurd it was for me to write that crap.

In fact, if it werent for the fact that I need to occassionally look back on this diary and remember my thought processes on certain dates, I would delete the above for the gratuitous, self indulgent, monkey vomit that it is. In fact I'm disgusted I was even thinking any of that shite. People are people, and they have been making lives and suffering in them since the beginning of time. Skin color notwithstanding.

I'm certainly not going to be using skin color as any type of excuse.

S'truth.